How to Speak / Act Like You Work in Crypto / Finance


I spent the last few weeks observing some males (aka "bros") who work in crypto X finance. They had some peculiar linguistic / behavioral tendencies that I would like to share with you all. To fit in with the bros, I suggest the following: (1) If you like something, you're "bullish" or "long." If you dislike something, you're "bearish" or "short." Never explain what you do / don't like about it. (2) Use the word "optimize" and "optimal" as much as possible. Whenever you have to make a group decision, be sure to say "what are we optimizing for here guys?". When someone comes to a decision that everyone agrees on, exclaim to the group "that seems optimal." Note that discussing things in terms of "optimality" will add absolutely nothing to the discussion, because anyone who has ever made any decision ever understands that you want to consider all factors and do the best thing. (3) Use as many acronyms / abbreviations as possible, especially when you think the person you're talking to won't know its meaning. Examples include "eth" for the cryptocurrency etherium, "sol" for the cryptocurrency Solana, and "hfbp" which stands for "have fun being poor" and is used as a rebuttal to anyone who criticizes anything related to crypto. (4) Spend at least two hours on twitter a day so that when you meet up with the other bros later that day you can make sure that you will have seen every tweet they reference. (5) Wear an apple watch. (6) Eat sweetgreen. (7) Listen to the Big Booty Mix on Soundcloud while you work.