beginnings of unfinished thoughts and posts from the past month-ish

2022-06-23  hungry

I have become much better at estimating where the second door of the second car of the Q will show up on the platform. I want to be by this door because when the train pulls into prospect park this is the closest door to the stairwell, and I can run up the stairs before everyone else (few things make me grumpier than being stuck behind a slow stepper on the train steps!). It's always fun and validating to see someone else get out and onto the staircase with equal gusto. I feel like recently I've been in depression mode, where I am not necessarily sad most of the time (most of the time I am neutral emotion, the emotion they don't teach you about), but find it harder to wake up in the morning and harder to get excited about doing things and spiral more easily. depression mode also begets what I like to call "incel mode," which is when I start to argue with and shout at people in my head whenever there's a minor conflict or miscommunication. I think I've gotten pretty good at talking myself out of incel mode (tbh starting to call it "incel mode" really helped with this) but sometimes it worms its way in for longer than I'd like. Friendship in New York the past few months has felt quite political—where no one ever has all the information and people are edging in and out of shifting circles, sometimes by choice and sometimes not—but I don't know if this feeling is also just a result of incel mode. The small shell and rock that were gifted to me have been sitting next to my computer for the past week and I'm not sure what to do with them. It feels rude to throw them away but also seems weird to keep them around. I put them in my desk bowl with my other weird stuff, but that's only a temporary solution. Last summer my friend in Chicago asked, "What do people without anxiety think about all the time?" and I haven't been able to stop wondering since then. A woman on the B train is wearing the shawl you receive after finishing a marathon. But it’s 5:30 on a rainy Thursday and she is wearing slides and business casual and I am certain she did not just come from a marathon. Had she run one previously? Or just find this at L train and decide to wear it? Someone on the metro north is talking (shouting, really) about moving into the city: "I've never paid bills before" is uttered worryingly, a few minutes before "I go on a vacation every month." Someone else on the same train asks everyone in our car to like a photo of her friend on instagram and most people say they don't use instagram (often clearly lying), myself included. Is there a name for a breakup that isn't really a breakup because you were never really dating?? "Ending things" doesn't fit into the same spot. Paul and I mixed offhand a shot of vodka, a half shot of elderflower liqueur, and a half shot of amaro the other night, and it was surprisingly tasty; herbal and inoffensive. Sunday was my last day in the ceramics studio. There was no class but I'll be away for the last class. I haven't really made any friends in ceramics, and haven't really tried, largely because everyone seems much older than me and slightly solitary, but on Sunday I overheard some people in another class who were clearly closer to my age and much more friendly, and felt jealous. At the same time, I did an absolutely terrible job glazing the cup I was going to give to a friend (hopefully it fires better). If anyone was curious, I resold my flip clock. Hopefully whoever bought it saw the type C plug in the photos!