2022-08-16  egg

Big upswing between last weekend and this past weekend. Learning to be less tied to outcome, trying to figure out how to quell the desire to be in love which I recognize is separate from my desire for a specific person. I’ve never seen someone in this kind of capacity before, having always either only (1) seen someone in a compartmentalized just-sex way or (2) quickly accelerated from meeting someone into being in a relationship with them, and it’s kind of nice to see how relatively okay I’m feeling after the initial few days, not completely detached or zen about it but significantly more at peace. The idea of a relationship feels very remote, and I’m kind of glad to not be tripped out by knowing and believing that, I just want mutual reciprocated attraction and interest and as long as that’s there I’m happy. In the early days I was feeling very angsty about being both a romantic and fatalistic person, always doomed to be the person who notices, internalizes, and cares more, and both those sides are still within me now but in reduced capacities—I want this person to continue to desire me, and I give the whole thing maybe a week more tops before they lose interest, and I'm learning to be okay with it, I’m generally not the happiest person right now and it’s/it’d be too easy to substitute how good I feel with them for what I really want to do with myself and my time: spend more time with the people I love, do the things we and I have always talked about but have never actualized. On Sunday I went to Inhae’s and made fettuccine with clams while she got some basil from her garden to dress the tomatoes I brought from the farmer’s market, and we caught up while I slurped my pasta clumsily (could not figure out how to twirl the right amount around my fork) and she promised to make me basil ice cream the following weekend. Later in the day Eric and I sat on the stoop across the street from his apartment and we talked until the light turned rosy and dusky, and I thought: this day is what I’ve been missing.