Seven Related Thoughts


1. KMS I started using the term often. On one particularly bad day I said it to R— who replied, "kiss my self," and this became the new definition; KMS as in, "This awful thing just happened, I deserve to kiss myself for dealing with it." 2. Tattoo anxiety I got this big tattoo a month and a half ago. I did not want it to be so big... it has actually been very stressful, because I wanted it to be about half the size and quite different than it is, but I kind of freaked out big time at my freehand appointment and did not do a good job communicating... I've told a lot of friends about this stress over the past month and I've gotten a surprising amount of empathy about these feelings: "After I got these tattoos, there was a long time before I liked them where I was like, 'oh my god, what did I do to my body,'" said S— (I'm paraphrasing). "There's like a month long postpartum after every tattoo where you feel terrible before you like it," said J—, who has more tattoos than anyone else I know. I am simultaneously reassured and frustrated by the seemingly universal feeling of post-tattoo-anxiety. Why didn't anyone tell me about it earlier! Will mine go away? I think only in part. The feeling of "why did I not just say what I wanted?" might be there forever :) (though in some crude way it may be nice to have a permanent reminder that I need to express myself) but maybe the feeling of Vibe-Defining Paranoia will go away—that is, I'll stop thinking, "omg, now if I'm riding my bike/going to this show/ blah blah blah I'll look like such a Guy Who WOULD Be Riding A Bike/Going To That Show/Blah Blah Blah. omg, there are so many people around with these big arm tattoos, now I seem just like all of them." I mean.....yeah I am riding a bike/going to the show/blah blah blah..? Of course I look like I'm doing what I'm doing. And spoiler alert, there are a lot of people out here without big arm tattoos, and I also seem just like them. Am I being dramatic? Yes of course, what else is the blog for?? Eventually this will fade either into nonperception or into slow, soft regret. I think I should probably go get more tattoos I DO like so this one doesn't feel so dominating. 3. The Utensil Thief Last time I wrote about how my spatula was stolen. Now my scissors have mysteriously disappeared. I've looked everywhere! Who keeps taking my kitchen tools!? 4. Embracing my inner tech bro I signed up for the rock climbing gym, ok, sue me!! And I've been riding my bike all around!! I Love these Activities!! I wish they were not so stigmatized (maybe biking dude stigma is gone by now?) because they are really fun!! Climbing always seemed really popular in the bay area growing up—My dad used to belay me up the tiny route where all the holds were shaped like dinosaurs or letters of the alphabet, and afterwards I was treated with a clif bar or a vitamin water; my middle school crush would compete in tournaments and bring me to halloween headlamp night; almost all my friends at my (private) high school had stints going to planet granite or mission cliffs—but is definitely inaccessible: gyms are expensive(!) and uncommon, and California probably has more cool (outdoor) rocks and better weather than most places. In my head after ten million more tech dudes moved to SF and discovered how fun climbing was it became popular elsewhere. But after some halfhearted research it seems like the release of "Free Solo" was actually the big tipping point. Whatever! Running has always made me feel like my throat is full of acid and """Going to the Gym""" is the worst form of being perceived. But on my bike I am Hot Shit!! I can't pedal up a hill without stopping to catch my breath! I haven't been able to break the V3-V4 barrier since high school! But IDC because I am Sweaty and Having a Fun Time! I have a guest pass if you want to as well!! 5. What goes around comes around One of the worst trends of the summer is that all the people from online who i met in person seem to be popping up again. J— tells about a date he went with someone I also had gone out with once. Two people who I liked but didn't like me back are at the same show at public records; much later I show up to my friend's house show and one of them is working the door, she lives there. I stumble on my LOML's instagram page, where she has a photo with someone else I went on a date with, I click on her page and she has a photo with yet another person I went on a date with. K— and R— and I successfully connect ourselves in a cycle by linking people who we know have kissed. Oh what a tangled web we weave! KMS! 6. "The desire to buy a farm has never been stronger" I wrote this in a post last year, but the feeling is still very much alive: I spend a lot of time during the workday on;; In the line to get our photos taken A— and R— and I imagine dancing in our own barn with our own membership cards, we could call it "cowadays";; on the basement dancefloor on mushrooms I can't think about anything else so try to budget in my head for how much of a monthly mortgage payment I can afford. If anyone wants to go in on some land I'm down serious offer. 7. Vlog I've decided to make a summer vlog, after thinking a lot about R—'s end-of-college video. If you catch me trying to sneakily take a video of you, I'm sorry, I too hate living in the friendship panopticon, but please bear with me, I hope it'll be worth it